There are times in all of our lives that we just wonder why we are here? What are we supposed to do? How do we provide for ourselves?
I honestly wonder what has made my life so difficult?
Alot of people on the outside looking in would tell me that the path that I chose is what lead me to the hole I am in right now. But I dont see it. I do not see myself choosing to have to struggle this hard....
And seriously if I hear the word "economy" one more time Im gonna scream. Everyone and their brother is screaming that word at the top of their lungs when most people dont even know what the definition of that word is.....
I dont want to worry about my next meal or how I am going to get the essentials for myself again..
Well, without a vehicle and no prospects of a vehicle I have no idea what to do. Tom works too much for me to have a decent job and to take me back and forth so yeah...Im stuck
So that leaves me with providing for myself. I am going to start making things from home and selling them. I will make flyers to post at the grocery stores and tractor supply to try to make myself and my family some money.
Things such as home made room and fabric sprays, hand sewen pillows, crocheted pot holders, theres really not much that I cant make by hand. I have a vast number of things that I am going to start to make and sell but I dont want to give everything away! Everyone is just going to have to see my new page where everything will be displayed.
I will overcome all this madness, This time next year I will not be broke and hungry....
This time next year I will have a car, a life, a job, and extra money, gosh....I think Ive forgotten what money feels like in my hands...it slips away so fast that Ive forgotten the smell...
And what makes all this even worse is that Christmas is coming and I have a step daughter that we wont even get to do anything for. Its not her fault that her Christmas has to be ruined because Daddy and Amanda have no money. Shes too young to understand....
Wow that was alot to type but I really feel so much better. I have slacked off blogging because I was in a really bad rut.
Things have gotten so crazy and I was worrying about everyone elses life so much that I temporarily forgotten mine.
Though its worth it.
I love my family, they mean the world to me so yall who read this please dont think that I regret a second of it.
I hope yall still love me and know that I am here for you but its time for me to take control and do something and stop feeling sorry for myself. I am not the only one going through this mess.
Til we read again.
Im out
Manduh :)
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Day Eighteen: Conversations
I know I haven't posted in a while but well it's been a crazy week and a half! Amber is such a joy to have around here. Ive learned that shes so polite and respectful, though she does have her moments.
The subject of this blog today is to shed a little light on the conversations that she and I have had over the past week.
Today for instance, we were outside on the porch and I told her that I hoped she would get to come visit for Christmas and that I have really enjoyed having her here. Also, I told her that I would miss her when she went back to Ohio. Well then she told me this...."I hope I get to come visit at Christmas too, Ive had alot of fun since Ive been here in Georgia."
Then she told me that she wanted me to have her address in Ohio, well I told her if she wanted to tell me then that was fine but I wouldn't ask for it. So she told me that she couldn't give me her address because her mommy would be really upset if I came to visit. Then she told me that she couldn't give me the address because she wasn't allowed to give it to me.
So, my suspicions had been confirmed. Before Amber came here her "mom" told her that she wasn't allowed to give out phone numbers or addresses to me and everything about her "family" in Ohio was off limits to discuss. She wants to talk to me about these things. I feel if she didn't then she wouldn't have brought it up.....
It breaks my heart that she has so many restrictions like that in her life. I will be the first to admit that I have never asked her for any of her information in Ohio. I feel like if she wanted me to have it then she would tell me.
I had grown more than attached to her since shes been staying with us. It's going to be hard to let her leave. I know that she would have such a better life with me and Tom. Shes a wonderful child (though she does have her moments!) and I have grown to love her as my own. Though as I told Tom before I will never try to become her mother. She only has one mother always but I will be her friend and her protector. I love her alot. Well, shes easy to love. :)
There's alot of instances that I have to go back and write down and post but well I just figured I would do a quick update. She's only going to be here with us for another three days. She's going back on Saturday.
Its going to be hard for the next week or so not having her here. I look forward to waking up every morning and going to see her. She's got to where she runs up to me in the morning and says "Good morning Amanda," or "I love you."
It melts my heart, she's such a loving child. She's become a big part of my life now. I just hope that she will be able to be a more frequent part of my life. I will truly miss her. But maybe we will get lucky and see her for Christmas?
The subject of this blog today is to shed a little light on the conversations that she and I have had over the past week.
Today for instance, we were outside on the porch and I told her that I hoped she would get to come visit for Christmas and that I have really enjoyed having her here. Also, I told her that I would miss her when she went back to Ohio. Well then she told me this...."I hope I get to come visit at Christmas too, Ive had alot of fun since Ive been here in Georgia."
Then she told me that she wanted me to have her address in Ohio, well I told her if she wanted to tell me then that was fine but I wouldn't ask for it. So she told me that she couldn't give me her address because her mommy would be really upset if I came to visit. Then she told me that she couldn't give me the address because she wasn't allowed to give it to me.
So, my suspicions had been confirmed. Before Amber came here her "mom" told her that she wasn't allowed to give out phone numbers or addresses to me and everything about her "family" in Ohio was off limits to discuss. She wants to talk to me about these things. I feel if she didn't then she wouldn't have brought it up.....
It breaks my heart that she has so many restrictions like that in her life. I will be the first to admit that I have never asked her for any of her information in Ohio. I feel like if she wanted me to have it then she would tell me.
I had grown more than attached to her since shes been staying with us. It's going to be hard to let her leave. I know that she would have such a better life with me and Tom. Shes a wonderful child (though she does have her moments!) and I have grown to love her as my own. Though as I told Tom before I will never try to become her mother. She only has one mother always but I will be her friend and her protector. I love her alot. Well, shes easy to love. :)
There's alot of instances that I have to go back and write down and post but well I just figured I would do a quick update. She's only going to be here with us for another three days. She's going back on Saturday.
Its going to be hard for the next week or so not having her here. I look forward to waking up every morning and going to see her. She's got to where she runs up to me in the morning and says "Good morning Amanda," or "I love you."
It melts my heart, she's such a loving child. She's become a big part of my life now. I just hope that she will be able to be a more frequent part of my life. I will truly miss her. But maybe we will get lucky and see her for Christmas?
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Day Seven: The Smurfs
Today we took Amber to go see The Smurfs movie and I have to admit it was really cute.
I have alot of things that I want to say in this blog but I'm gonna wait until I can steal Tom's computer. My computer is slow as sin. I just wanted to post a quick blog before I watch True Blood. Ill return shortly. :)
I have alot of things that I want to say in this blog but I'm gonna wait until I can steal Tom's computer. My computer is slow as sin. I just wanted to post a quick blog before I watch True Blood. Ill return shortly. :)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Day Five: Bath Time
OK so the war zone of the day has been bath time. Last night when Amber got her bath she told me that she was sore "down there" and so I told her to wipe herself with a clean rag and then she said she was fine.
So tonight I tell her that she needs a shower because when girls get to be big girls they need to take showers so they dont get sore. I told her that I had to do it when I was little and I had to stop taking baths. So the argument began, a man I tell you what, kids can come up with every excuse in the world!
" I wont use soap"
"I don't want too!"
"I don't like showers"
"I wont sit down"
....and the list goes on.
Finally I told her that if she did not take a shower like I was asking her nicely to do (never raised my voice at all) then she would not play with the kittens tomorrow.
It worked! She pouted and griped but well it got the job done. Tom was outside the door while I was talking to her. I was trying to relate to her being a girl and letting her know that big girls need to do things differently than little girls and it never registered.
Now, that Ive laid it all out there for assessment, I now have my own feelings about it.
I am so torn when I talk to her about things like this when they possibly upset her. I do not want her going back to her mom and telling her mom that I was mean to her when I was not. Especially, when her mom does not know the entire story (I don't want to talk to that woman either). But that's my dilemma. I have to be a parent figure to this little girl and all the while Im afraid of something being said that is incorrect. I'm sure I am not the only step mom that has been through this.
I try to talk to Amber and tell her why she has to do or not do certain things and sometimes they get through and other times its like a brick wall.
That's where I know she is Toms child because the stubborn steak is completely a Moore gene!
I really need some insight on this one. When it comes to, not really getting onto her but its telling her that she has to do something that she does not want to do.
Also, when I tell her that she needs to do something I make sure to sit her down and calmly explain to her WHY she is having to do this thing. It does seem to work but when I talk to her she stays quiet. More than likely blocking me out but at least I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing. I am not scolding her or yelling, I am talking to her like a little girl and trying to make her understand that she is growing up. I do not want to treat her like she is 4 years old.
So this is my day. LOL, earlier today has been really great. We played Monopoly again and she kicked my butt without cheating, then was painted and I even got to watch and TV show during lunch time. So all in all I feel more confident with her. Except for times like tonight I need to know that I am handling these ordeals correctly.
Believe me I know there is not handbook but there are women out there that have been in my shoes and can tell me the experiences they had and what they did. I am not looking for a manual I am just looking for suggestions.
Thanks again for reading yet another lovely blog courtesy of my world. :
So tonight I tell her that she needs a shower because when girls get to be big girls they need to take showers so they dont get sore. I told her that I had to do it when I was little and I had to stop taking baths. So the argument began, a man I tell you what, kids can come up with every excuse in the world!
" I wont use soap"
"I don't want too!"
"I don't like showers"
"I wont sit down"
....and the list goes on.
Finally I told her that if she did not take a shower like I was asking her nicely to do (never raised my voice at all) then she would not play with the kittens tomorrow.
It worked! She pouted and griped but well it got the job done. Tom was outside the door while I was talking to her. I was trying to relate to her being a girl and letting her know that big girls need to do things differently than little girls and it never registered.
Now, that Ive laid it all out there for assessment, I now have my own feelings about it.
I am so torn when I talk to her about things like this when they possibly upset her. I do not want her going back to her mom and telling her mom that I was mean to her when I was not. Especially, when her mom does not know the entire story (I don't want to talk to that woman either). But that's my dilemma. I have to be a parent figure to this little girl and all the while Im afraid of something being said that is incorrect. I'm sure I am not the only step mom that has been through this.
I try to talk to Amber and tell her why she has to do or not do certain things and sometimes they get through and other times its like a brick wall.
That's where I know she is Toms child because the stubborn steak is completely a Moore gene!
I really need some insight on this one. When it comes to, not really getting onto her but its telling her that she has to do something that she does not want to do.
Also, when I tell her that she needs to do something I make sure to sit her down and calmly explain to her WHY she is having to do this thing. It does seem to work but when I talk to her she stays quiet. More than likely blocking me out but at least I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing. I am not scolding her or yelling, I am talking to her like a little girl and trying to make her understand that she is growing up. I do not want to treat her like she is 4 years old.
So this is my day. LOL, earlier today has been really great. We played Monopoly again and she kicked my butt without cheating, then was painted and I even got to watch and TV show during lunch time. So all in all I feel more confident with her. Except for times like tonight I need to know that I am handling these ordeals correctly.
Believe me I know there is not handbook but there are women out there that have been in my shoes and can tell me the experiences they had and what they did. I am not looking for a manual I am just looking for suggestions.
Thanks again for reading yet another lovely blog courtesy of my world. :
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Day Four: Painting
Today has been really good. We have been painting today. Amber painted a wooden box and then she painted a few pieces of paper. I'll add some pictures to the blog later. I think she is getting more or less used to being here. She and I are building a really good relationship. I have to keep on her about brushing her teeth but what kids don't you have to do that with.
We have been playing some music today too and surprisingly enough we have a pretty similar taste in music. She loves the Gummibar song and that's one of my faves. I let her hear the German version and it was too cute seeing her try to sing it. :)
I'm still having my fears of it she's going to go back and tell her mom that I was mean or something. Yes, I have been firm with her but I have not raised my voice to her and I don't plan on doing so.
I told Tom about my blog last night so I'm sure he will read it. :) All the encouraging words that I have gotten from my friends has really helped alot. I know I am good with kids but it's just nice to hear reassurance.
Alot of people probably wonder why I am looking for kinds words and well its very easy to explain. Though for someone who doesn't' have step children they may not understand. I am trying to not kit that phase where every time I say something I get the "your not my mom" thrown in my face. This is my first visit with her and I'm trying to do the best that I can. I want her to tell her "other" family that she had a good time and that she was safe while she was here so they will let her come back.
I do no ever want to jeopardize Tom not bringing her here again because of something I did. I know legally he has rights to her but that don't mean that her mom may not try to do everything she can to stop that or make his life hello while shes here.
So that concludes my blog for the day. Thanks for reading.
We have been playing some music today too and surprisingly enough we have a pretty similar taste in music. She loves the Gummibar song and that's one of my faves. I let her hear the German version and it was too cute seeing her try to sing it. :)
I'm still having my fears of it she's going to go back and tell her mom that I was mean or something. Yes, I have been firm with her but I have not raised my voice to her and I don't plan on doing so.
I told Tom about my blog last night so I'm sure he will read it. :) All the encouraging words that I have gotten from my friends has really helped alot. I know I am good with kids but it's just nice to hear reassurance.
Alot of people probably wonder why I am looking for kinds words and well its very easy to explain. Though for someone who doesn't' have step children they may not understand. I am trying to not kit that phase where every time I say something I get the "your not my mom" thrown in my face. This is my first visit with her and I'm trying to do the best that I can. I want her to tell her "other" family that she had a good time and that she was safe while she was here so they will let her come back.
I do no ever want to jeopardize Tom not bringing her here again because of something I did. I know legally he has rights to her but that don't mean that her mom may not try to do everything she can to stop that or make his life hello while shes here.
So that concludes my blog for the day. Thanks for reading.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Day Two; Summer Vacation
Things have really picked up around my house. Usually we are quiet and reserved, only adults are here but over the course of two days that sure has changed. The sounds of feet pounding on the floor running from one end of the house to another.
I wish I could bottle that energy and sell it! I would make a fortune!
This is my first time spending any amount of time with Amber. She finally came for summer vacation and it's been a blast. Though we only have her for two weeks it already seems to be flying by. I know I will greatly miss her when shes gone.
After she woke up this morning I saw her stumble into the kitchen for a Pop-Tart and I asked her if she was okay and she kinda mumbled back, "yeah," Then we stood in the room talking for a minute or two and she got out of bed and came over to the door....put her little arms around me and said, " Amanda I love you." I would floored.
That was the best thing that I could have heard from her. I have been so scared that she wouldn't like me but she's openly saying she loves me! Even if it's only a young child thing and even if she doesn't quite grasp love it's still a great feeling! I feel I am doing something right.
She's spoiled already. Tom and I have bought her things periodically through the year and we hadn't shipped them yet and so we have been giving her little things each day. (Yes there's enough for two presents each day) but only after she's done her chores (brushing her teeth, feeding kittens, cleaning her messes) so she likes getting little toys here and there, what kids don't. She's gotten sand art, marbles, tinkerbell coloring book, and of course Legos! I got her a few things off Amazon the other day, she loves Pugs so I bought her a Pug Ty beanie baby. :) I know she's gonna love it.
Oh, FYI, kittens keep kids entertained for HOURS! Just saying :)
I really do appreciate the interest in my blog, this is my first one so be gentle.
Off to cook more hamburgers.
I wish I could bottle that energy and sell it! I would make a fortune!
This is my first time spending any amount of time with Amber. She finally came for summer vacation and it's been a blast. Though we only have her for two weeks it already seems to be flying by. I know I will greatly miss her when shes gone.
After she woke up this morning I saw her stumble into the kitchen for a Pop-Tart and I asked her if she was okay and she kinda mumbled back, "yeah," Then we stood in the room talking for a minute or two and she got out of bed and came over to the door....put her little arms around me and said, " Amanda I love you." I would floored.
That was the best thing that I could have heard from her. I have been so scared that she wouldn't like me but she's openly saying she loves me! Even if it's only a young child thing and even if she doesn't quite grasp love it's still a great feeling! I feel I am doing something right.
She's spoiled already. Tom and I have bought her things periodically through the year and we hadn't shipped them yet and so we have been giving her little things each day. (Yes there's enough for two presents each day) but only after she's done her chores (brushing her teeth, feeding kittens, cleaning her messes) so she likes getting little toys here and there, what kids don't. She's gotten sand art, marbles, tinkerbell coloring book, and of course Legos! I got her a few things off Amazon the other day, she loves Pugs so I bought her a Pug Ty beanie baby. :) I know she's gonna love it.
Oh, FYI, kittens keep kids entertained for HOURS! Just saying :)
I really do appreciate the interest in my blog, this is my first one so be gentle.
Off to cook more hamburgers.
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